i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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