i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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