Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
