We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
