I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
