Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My bed smells like the plague
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
