Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
he thought i was a dude.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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