Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
