20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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