My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
