sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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