i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
