oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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