I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
