hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize