Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
