I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
