I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize