Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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