Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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