so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
God gave him joint rollers for hands
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
