Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
