i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
