How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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