Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
