those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
