Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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