I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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