you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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