I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
smell my finger.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize