I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize