glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize