i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the condom got lost in my hair
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
