i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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