im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just forgot I was standing up.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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