He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
