I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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