I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
