it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
