I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
