mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
