some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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