I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
