Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize