Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
