my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
