Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just want to make out with him forever
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
