turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
