i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
