Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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