I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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