your parents love me but you hate me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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