I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
