Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
