It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
