i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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