And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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