I hate all girls vehemently.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
