Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
