just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
