Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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