I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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